This is it or everything?

So if you'd like to take me on a nerd journey for just a minute..this blog is based on the one of the recent Doctor Who episodes and how my last couple weeks combine, but keep reading because it'll make sense even if you haven't seen the episode yet.

The colors of fall have come upon us and almost already left quite rapidly.  The end of the beauty of fall and the fantastic warm days that are just made for one to spend outside is always hard to stomach.  And it starts to look to me as if nothing really lasts.  My mind always wanders from seeing the inevitable end of something to wondering why I should invest in anything in the first place.  I start to look around at what my life looks like and all the repetition it holds.  It starts to feel like everything has either already been done before or won’t last long enough to justify the time and the value I have placed on it.

My mind starts to wander to questions like…

If everything really has been done before, why worry? Why feel?  What is really the point?  Why would anything matter?

And if I’m only one piece in the puzzle and caught in the system just like everyone else, the life in which I’m so caught up in would be tiny and insignificant in the vast scheme of things. 

This spiral of thoughts always hits me really hard as the seasons change and the fall beauty leaves once again.  But this year I want to challenge this head on.

This made a little more sense when I watched the Doctor Who episode where the Doctor had “accidentally” made a girl immortal and this episode showed us what that immortality did to her.  She lived long enough know that it was inevitable that she would watch everyone whom she loved die.  She said that she had lost more than she could possibly remember.  This pain became so raw and deep in her that in order to protect herself she began to belittle everyone else’s lives as if they were insignificant.  To her, their lives were so small, repetitive, and meaningless that she couldn’t bear to invest nor to begin to value life. 

She said that their lives were so short that it wouldn’t matter anyway if they would be cut a little bit shorter.  She justified all the hurt and pain she had caused with the fact that she was looking for an escape from it all.  But once she realized she couldn't escape the situation and that many people were experiencing deep pain as a result of her actions, she cried out in anguish, “What have I done??”

This one short life was all they had and she was throwing it away left and right as if they were all insignificant.

So the episode ended after she turned the very person's life immortal that she was going to throw away as if he were insignificant.  As a result, the two of them most likely spent the rest of their lives together (however that works when you're both immortal, ha).  

But the point is that she woke up.

Her heart came alive again.

She began to care for the people around her once more.  And she stopped forgetting about the gift of life that was going by so fast every single day.  Even though the pain and the struggles of life were still very real, she began to value the little time that each one had as one of the most precious and exciting things ever.

What if the time we each have here is so valuable but so exceedingly short?  We would want to make the most of what we have.  

Why not feel the joy with the pain and be ridiculous enough to just enjoy the moments as they come because they’ll never come again?

In the episode, the friend that she saved, Sam Swift the Quick, showed us what this means, he didn’t think twice very often and everyone had quite a few laughs because of that.

I think God gave us emotions to remind us that we are alive.  I never want to just survive another day.  I want to actually live it..feel it and experience every moment of it because it’ll never come again.  

Life’s a journey in progress, but I think it comes down to two different perspectives.  Either every day is worth it no matter how much of a struggle it may be or life is just a repetitive struggle to drown out the pain.

It doesn’t make any more sense to me since I’ve been thinking this through.  And knowing all this doesn’t make depression any less of a struggle, but my goal in writing this is to hopefully remind myself of a much needed perspective when I read back over it later, so thanks for following me along.

Siempre Extranjeros

English

Si nos encontramos con un deseo que el mundo no pueda satisfacer, la explicación más probable es que estemos creados por otro mundo. 

- C.S. Lewis

Lo más que veo del mundo, lo más que me doy cuenta que ese mundo nunca va a ser mi hogar.  Por lo lardo que puedo recordar, siempre he anhelado por un lugar donde me pertenezco.

Por supuesto, mi familia y mis amigos son fantásticos, pero a pesar de donde te encuentres en la vida, siempre hay un anhelo por algo más justo afuera del alcance aunque no sea muy claro.

En argentina ese tema seguía aún más fuerte.  

Me di cuenta muy rápidamente que no importó cuantas cosas aprendí del idioma y la cultura, 

nunca pudiera ser argentino de verdad.

Siempre seria pistas que me identificaron y tiempos de malentendido.

Llegamos al punto que me parecía que las que no intentaban comportarse como un argentino realmente pertenecía más de argentina que yo.

Por ejemplo, un día en el colectivo había un chino sentado a mi lado.  Él contestó su teléfono y empezó a hablar en chino.  Claro que él no era argentino, pero nadie le prestó atención.  Luego, mi teléfono sonó y empecé a hablar en lo mejor acento de castellano que pude.  Era un fracaso obvio cuando todo el mundo giró para buscar el gringo “desplazado” en el colectivo. 

Aunque conocí muchas personas fantásticas, me dieron un gran bienvenido, me parecía que la iglesia era mi hogar, y vi mejoramientos en mi español me sentí todavía un poco desplazado en el gran mundo. 

Supuestamente, por ya haber vuelto a EEUU donde me nací y crecí, pertenezco acá ahora, no?

La verdad es que no puedo identificarme acá ni allá ahora.

Estoy dándome cuenta más y más como he crecido y me ha cambiado.  También, cada día sigo dándome cuenta de que hay más aspectos de la cultura estadounidense que quiero cambiar o perder que nunca los presté atención antes.

Me ha dado cuenta de que en cualquier lugar que éste, siempre voy a seguir el viaje — la estancia en un país extranjero hasta que el día cuando llega a casa.

No veo un hogar para mi en cualquier dirección que puedo ver en el mundo.  Solamente, encuentro pedazos que son divididos y rotos.

Mirá a Abrahám, mirá a Jacobo, mirá a José, mira a Job, mira a los Israelitas.  Todos tenían una etapa de confusión, de espero, de caos.  Pero después de todo, Dios vino y cumplió sus promesas

Por la fe [Abraham] se radicó como extranjero en la tierra prometida, 

y habitó en tiendas de campaña con Isaac y Jacob, 

herederos también de la misma promesa, 

porque esperaba la ciudad de cimientos sólidos, 

de la cual Dios es arquitecto y constructor.

Hebreos 11:9-10

Llegué a la conclusión que a pesar de que se parece ser una paradoja, mi búsqueda por la identidad y un lugar donde me pertenezca está dirigiéndome hacia la falta de exactamente esto en este mundo.

Hay demasiado caos y demasiado división para encontrar algo que vale la pena para pertenecer.  Pienso que, si algo, veo más claro lo que Pablo dijo, "para mí, el vivir es Cristo y el morir es ganancia."  Toda la congoja del mundo nos hace anhelar aún más fuerte por lo que va a venir y mientras que estemos acá Dios nos muestra poco a poco como cumple sus promesas.

La falta del encuentro con la idea de pertenencia es precisamente donde necesitaba llegar.

Somos extranjeros acá, ya no hemos llegado a casa, estamos viviendo acá como extranjeros hasta el día de Cristo

Hay esperanza.

Un día estos pedazos rotos van a ser arreglados y unidos.

Forever Strangers

Español
The more of the world I see, the more I realize that this world will never be my home.  As long as I can remember, I have always longed for somewhere to belong.  

Yes, my family and my friends are fantastic, but no matter where you are in life, there is always that extra longing for something else that isn’t quite in reach or even seen yet.

In Argentina, this theme continued even stronger.  I very quickly realized that no matter how much I learned about the language and the culture, 

I would never be from Argentina.  

There would always be signs that gave me away and times of misunderstanding.  

It got to the point that it seemed that those who were not even trying to fit in were actually fitting in better.  

For example, one day on the bus there was this Chinese gentleman sitting next to me.  He answered his phone and started talking in Chinese.  Obviously he was not an Argentine.  But no one paid any attention to him.  Well, my phone rang right after and I answered it and began putting on my best Argentine Spanish accent.  Obviously it was a failed attempt when seemingly everyone in the bus turned around to locate the “misplaced” gringo on the bus.  

Even though many, many people I met there were very welcoming, the church felt like home, and I could see improvements in my Spanish from week to week, I still could not shake the feeling of being displaced in the big wide world.

Now that I’m back in the States, this is supposed to be my culture and where I do belong, right?  

I can’t identify here nor there any more.  

I am realizing more and more how much I’ve grown and changed.  Also, every day I continue to see more aspects of the US culture that I would like to lose in myself and change, that I never paid attention to before. 

I’ve realized that anywhere I am, I’ll always be journeying—sojourning in a foreign land until one day when I reach home.  

I don’t see a home for me anywhere in sight in this world.  I’ve only caught bits and pieces that are divided and broken. 

Look at Abraham, look at Jacob, look at Joseph, look at Job, look at the Israelites.  They all had a period of confusion, of waiting, and of chaos, after which God came through on all his promises.

By faith he [Abraham] went to live in the land of promise, 

as in a foreign land, 

living in tents with Isaac and Jacob, heirs with him of the same promise.  

For he was looking forward to the city that has foundations, 

whose designer and builder is God. 

Hebrews 11:9-10

I’ve come to the conclusion that, although it seems like a paradox, my search for identity and a place to belong is only leading me toward the lack thereof in this world.  

There is too much chaos and too much division in the world for me to pick out something worth uniting with and belonging to.  I think, if anything, I understand more clearly Paul's statement, "to live is Christ and to die is gain."  All the heartbreak seen in this world makes us long for what is to come only that much more strongly.  

This lack of an encounter with the idea of belonging is exactly where I needed to end up.  

We are strangers here, we are not home yet, we are living here as foreigners and aliens until the day of Christ.  

There is Hope.  

One day these broken bits and pieces will be placed together and united.

Progress

So if you’re interested, I finally got around to writing an update about how life has been in Argentina and how Spanish is coming along.  

Honestly, the first few months here were pretty rough, adjusting to the language and culture all at the same time as being on the other side of the world from everyone that I knew and cared about.  After the first three months of not understanding very much and struggling at times to communicate basic things.  I’m now in my fourth month here and this month I finally feel that I have the confidence to engage in conversations and am able to understand (almost) everything that is going on.  There’s obviously still a ton of words that are new to me every single day, but I’ve realized lately that I finally know enough Spanish to usually figure out what the mysterious words mean or at least how to ask the right questions to figure out what it means.  I look back and see a very different me here that arrived argentina than when I left the US.  The first couple weeks here were fantastic, everything was new and cool and interesting (I think that’s called cultural euphoria or something..haha)  But after that I became very shy and introverted (which isn't all that abnormal, ha) but it was much more than normal because of the limited amount of Spanish that I understood and my lack of confidence to step out.  But despite all of that, every single day I was learning new structures, words, and ways to think that now I’m able to begin to use more.  This weekend was one of the best I’ve had in a long time here and we didn’t even do anything extra special.  and this weekend isn’t even over yet i might point out ;) Sometimes the simple is the absolute best :)  A few long conversations with friends about their memories and experiences from the past and then talking about the Bible and wrestling through some  issues by talking through different perspectives and examples.  These conversations encouraged me so much.  Not only have I made stronger friendships, and grown in my understanding of God’s creation, but I look back and realize that as of even a month ago, I probably would have either struggled miserable through such a conversation or checked out for at least half of it.  and yeah, today we still had to play some word games because there were some words I had absolutely no idea what they referred to or how to say what I wanted to express.  But we made it.  And I absolutely love deep conversations that make you think.  So that’s what’s been happening for me down here on this side of the world lately, nothing huge or earth-shattering but the simple things are really the best.

two worlds apart

no, i didn't stop to take pictures,
 but these are pictures of where we were.
(i did take the middle one)

This post isn't exactly an update about my time in Argentina like I promised I would write, but it's what I've been learning.  I'll try to put together another post as an update later this week for how the last couple months have been. 

Last week, I went to La Boca in Buenos Aires to see Caminito and all the colored houses.  I had the brilliant idea to take a different bus than we planned that also went to the Boca since it came to the stop first..I assumed that it would take us near where we wanted to go and that would be fine.  After an hour and a half of seemingly turning at every other intersection in this bus, we finally arrived and were pleasantly surprised to find a nice plaza where we could eat lunch.  A couple ladies came up to us and told us we couldn’t walk in the park.  I was confused and asked them what they meant..and they told us that this was a super dangerous area, especially for anyone not from the area.  They walked us past their house and to the police station while telling us that a tourist had been killed in the same street once.  The police gave us directions to head to where we wanted to go by the safest route possible and told us never to come back.

It turned out that we were only 5 or 6 blocks away from where we wanted to be.  

The whole rest of the day I couldn’t stop thinking about the stark contrast between the two worlds only 5 blocks apart.  How can people so close live so differently?  Caminito in the Boca has shops of all sorts and expensive restaurants, a beautiful neighborhood and many tourists who have always had everything they’ve needed.  Some of which, I’m sure, have had money for everything they've wanted as well, but not me, ha.  But behind all this, who are the people that work these shops..who are the people that clean the streets.. or who really are those that cook the food?  Everyone has a story… Part of the reason I don’t like tourist towns very much is that there are very real people behind every counter that don’t get noticed by the tourists who often are so wrapped up in themselves they trample over the service personal.   I don't want to forget the lives of the people around me, who’s lives are meeting mine for a moment.  

One cultural stereotype about america that really bothers me is that we always have the money.  I've seen prices go up for the "gringos" and I understand why, but because I would always stick out there (like I got labeled as a tourist almost immediately in the plaza) it's seemingly impossible for me to enter into their lives and understand what it's really like.

for a little more perspective..
I ran across this instragram today from switchfoot
India to Australia

If there’s anything that you remember from reading this, here are some questions I’m posing..

1.  Why do we think that we need so many things..so much stuff?  How can people without these things be so content?

2.  How can you help?  Money isn’t the answer..yes, it’s needed, but changing lifestyles to just incorporate more stuff isn’t right.  There’s a whole lot more to it than that.

3.  What if the middle and upper classes are those that really need help to let go of their stuff and see that the relationships mean more?

Ultimately, the things that we have will wear out and won't last forever.  Not that it's inherently bad to be among the worlds better off, but there are more distractions that help us numb the pain or help us hide it.  In the rougher places of the world, there are still ways that the pain of reality is numbed, but it's more real.  Perhaps reality is better understood in places like these.  We each only have a little while here, what is it that's worthwhile?  I don’t have all the answers but I’m posing the questions that I’ve been wrestling through recently.. let me know your thoughts on this, I’m interested to hear them.

Fiel y Cerca (Faithful and Near)

Fiel y Cerca

Que estaba pasando en este lado del mundo?  Ya terminé mi primero clase de español acá y voy a empezar el proximo clase mañana.  Cada día estoy aprendiendo algo.  Lo que ya he aprendido es que español es difícil.  Todos los días hay muchas veces cuando no entiendo y otras veces cuando creo que entendí pero luego me da cuenta que tenía otra significa.  Pero en todos modos, también he visto que hay un gran Dios que esta conmigo y por su poder y por la esperanza que su resurrección me ha dado, puedo confiar que Él va a ayudarme por las desafíos con el idioma.

Un ejemplo era durante un viaje a un pueblo 5 horas de la ciudad.  Cuando llegamos a Tandil a las 6 en la mañana empezamos a buscar por la cascada. No teníamos un plan especifica pero la encontramos casi sin problemas. Después de un día fantástico en las sierras estaba muy agotado después de caminar por 18 km y estaba relajando en un parque.  Cuando salí el parque me olvidé mi camera a un banco en el centro de Tandil.  Después de 30 minutos, me di cuenta que no la tenía y corrí por 15 o 20 cuadras hasta el parque pero ya no estuve allá…  Pero un hombre estaba caminando a la banco del otro lado de la calle y me preguntó si había perdido algo.  Él ya había encontrado mi camera y la había puesto en su casa y a aquel momento él estaba volviendo para ver si alguien estaba buscando por la.  Él caminó con nosotros a su casa y me la revolvió por nada.  No pude creerlo.  Aunque no habría podido reemplazarla ahora, es solamente una camera y no hubiera sido un gran problema para vivir sin ésa.  Hay otras cosas en vida que son muchas mas importantes.   Pero creo que ese pasó solamente que Dios estaba cuidando para mi.  En todos los pequeños situaciones él es en control también.  Si hubiera sido una diferente persona o si hubiera vuelto a un diferente tiempo mas temprano o mas tarde, es probable que no hubiera conocido a ese hombre para revolverlo.  

Si asisto escuela, si lucho con español, o si me pierdo en un multitud de gente de 200 mil sin plata en mi teléfono (ese es otra historia), Dios esta conmigo.  Él esta fiel en cualquier momento o lugar, y Él siempre tiene el poder dar esperanza.  Quiero recordar eso mas.  Cosas en este vida son solamente por un rato, pero Dios los use como una flecha para que nosotros podamos ver Él.

"Pues sabemos que aquel que resucitó al Señor Jesús nos resucitará también a nosotros con él y nos llevará junto con ustedes a su presencia.  Todo esto es por el bien de ustedes, para que la gracia que está alcanzando a más y más personas haga abundar la acción de gracias para la gloria de Dios.  Por tanto, no nos desanimamos. Al contrario, aunque por fuera nos vamos desgastando, por dentro nos vamos renovando día tras día."

2 Corintios 4:14-16

Faithful and Near

So what has been happening on this side of the world?  I have already finished my first “clase de español” here and will start the next one tomorrow.  Everyday I am learning something.  What I have already learned is that Español is hard.. Everyday there are countless "no entiendo's" and other times when I think that I understood but later I realize it had another meaning altogether.  But regardless, I have also seen that there is a great God with me through his power and through the hope that his resurrection has given me, I can trust that He will help me through the language challenges.

One example happened during a trip to a town 5 hours from the city.  When we arrived at Tandil at 6 in the morning we began to look for the “sierras” and the cascades.  We did not have a specific plan but found everything pretty easily.  After a fantastic day in the “sierras” I was extremely tired after walking for 11 miles and was relaxing in a park in the center of the city.  When I left the park I forgot my camera on the bench in the center of downtown Tandil.  After 30 minutes, I realized that I did not have it and ran for 15 or 20 blocks to the park but it was already gone.  But a man was walking toward the bench at that moment from the other side of the street and asked me if I had lost something.  He had found my camera and put it in his house for safekeeping while he walked back to the park to see if anyone was looking for it.  He walked with us back to his house and returned my camera refusing anything in exchange.  I couldn’t believe it.  It was only a camera and even though I wouldn’t have been able to replace it right now, I could clearly live without it.  There are much more important things in life.  But I believe this happened only because God was watching over me.  In all the other situations God is in control as well.  If it had been a different person or if I had returned at a different time earlier or later, probably I would not have met this gentleman who returned it.

Whether I am attending school, struggling through Español, or if I am lost in a huge crowd of 200 thousand without minutes in my phone (this happened as well), God is with me.  He is faithful in every moment and all places and He always has the power to give hope.  I want to remember this more.  This in this life are fleeting, but God uses them as an arrow for us to see him.

Knowing that he who raised the Lord Jesus will raise us also with Jesus and bring us with you into his presence. For it is all for your sake, so that as grace extends to more and more people it may increase thanksgiving, to the glory of God.  So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. 

2 Corinthians 4:14-16

llegada!

He llegado a argentina! después de 26 horas de viajar y 16 horas mas cuando dormí solamente por 2 horas en todos estoy empezando entender que yo vivo aquí ahora y.  ya me encanta la cultura.  y también tenemos cafe todas de las mañanas todavía…alaba Dios!  se que ya he aprendido mucho pero tengo un gran montón aprender todavía...por ejemplo hice un error cuando traté decir como escribes mi nombre en español.  También es muy difícil para entender como leer un reloj en 24 horas.  Muchas veces he calculado mal la hora y pensaba que fue mas tarde o temprano.  pero en realidad ya he sido muy bueno porque la gente que yo he conducido fue muy amable y estoy emocionado pasar tiempo aquí con ellos.  aunque estoy mas 5,000 millas lejos, hay la misma Dios y también hay personas que he experimentado muchas del mismo cosas.  el mundo esta un gran lugar.

aquí esta algunos fotos desde el avión, tengo que sacar fotos del la escuela y nuestro barrio todavía:

Los Andes desde Santiago, Chile

Chile

Los Andes

Los Andes

Los Andes - el tiempo estaba perfecto para sacar fotos!

Celebramos el nuevo año en el avión!

afuera del avion en Chile 

Tenemos que caminar afuera al avión en Chile 

parecía como un volcán acerca de Santiago

Los Andes desde Santiago

en Chile

Una otra planeta?